Baby? Maybe?

I have been absent from the blog lately. Sorry.

I have been busy and I have also had some issues. Issues that forced me to take a look at my future and where I am headed. Issues that made me change my timeline a little. Scary.

Okay, where to start....

Two Mondays ago

 Actually, last Monday... it was just a REALLY long week, I went to the lady doctor. Tons of fun. I just recently switched insurance so I ended up using a new doctor. This is a good thing, because my last doctor didn't listen to a thing I said.

Anyways, off track... So I go to this new doctor. We start going over my medical history and I tell her about the cysts and how I have all the signs of P.C.O.S and when I mentioned it to my other doctor's husband (she didn't have time to see me.) the answer was, "Yeah it seems to be P.C.O.S but I already have you on Birth Control for your irregularity so that's pretty much all we can do." He then left the room.

I told them numerous times the medicine they had me on wasn't controlling anything and finally had to demand it be changed. It was great and I finally got relief. 

Skip to recently.... The new Dr. said that because I have been regulated 7 years by BC it's hard to say what is going on. My hormones are so regulated this point and have been for so long. So ... I can go off of it and see what happens or I can stay regulated and assume the first diagnosis was correct. 

Then she said with the history of cancer, the endometriosis among other issues she feared that it was better for me to try for kids soon. Like a lot sooner than later. She said there might not be an issue but there could be,  especially with mom's endometriosis and history of 3 miscarriages.  Luckily, my sister being pregnant gives us hope. 

So we have been talking about the options. A LOT. And crying a lot. Oh wait that was just me. 

Hmmm... I said I didn't know if I was ready for a child or not. I have talked about it on the blog before. The baby timing is a total conflict for me. Now? Later? Am I ready? No?

I think this is what I have wanted all along, but I have been afraid that it wouldn't or couldn't happen so I never let myself entertain the thought. Now that it is a thought that has to be entertained I am excited. I have been a pinning fool. I have caught myself leading Chris towards the baby sections when we are shopping. 

So that is why I have been absent. There have been huge decisions in the Hermann household.

Oh and the devotional app on my phone today?

" He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

         - Psalm 113:9

A sign maybe? We are now birth control free.  Say a prayer that this works out the way God intends.   

-M

Fears

First let me warn you. I feel like this today...

And a little like this...

I usually get so depressed during the winter, but somehow I made it this year. I stayed strong. Then this week hit and some fears and depression crept in. I feel like I need to get them out before they take over.

My main fear...
Not having kids. It's so strange I have always been the one to say, " eh I don't have time for them right now." Then my cousin had Ms. Baby and I found out my younger sister is expecting and it hit me. I am almost 25 and there are no children in sight. My feminine issues are alive and well. The cysts are still attacking and I don't know if children are even possible. What if they aren't?

Hubs says he doesn't care. We can adopt. I can collect dogs or horses.... we don't have to have kids. But  maybe I want them. Hell, I don't even know if I want them. Some days baby fever is awful and takes over. Some days I am glad I can go ride my horses and drink wine all night. Maybe I just feel pressured because everyone else seems to be taking the step to parenthood. I feel like maybe it makes me less of an adult because I am not taking that leap yet. I feel like I will never be 100% ready.

 I am so conflicted and so confused and so emotional. I am sick of crying and feeling empty over it. I am hoping this is mainly PMS. Our plan is to be financially ready, house paid off... Now, my plan is to let God take over. I hope peace comes into my week.

Sick as a human? Sick as a dog?

 

I have no idea where people come up with some of these phrases. Sick as a dog? Where did that come from? I mean Riley typically just eats some grass voms once or twice and hits the ground running. I am in bed miserable. Shouldn't it be sick as a human? 

My PCOS is being a bish again. Remember when I told you about my angry lady parts. That was just a few days ago. Well, I went to the doctor today and after a year of me saying "can we look at other options?", she decided we should look at other options. My ovary looks like swiss cheese in the images and the pain is like 25 days out of the month. So, we switched meds today. I have taken one dose and I feel like I could vom at any moment. Hubs brought me ginger ale and took care of the horse and the dogs tonight. He also cooked and cleaned. He is a keeper, I tell ya. I am a crying, sick mess. ( I cry when I am happy, sad, frustrated, or pissed) I might not be keeper material tonight. Tis life. I will see ya'll tomorrow when I have my shiz together. 

Good night ya'll. 

Those angry lady parts

This post is coming to you straight from the bed. I made the hubby chili, because he adores my recipe. The main reason he married me would be that I can cook like a masterchef above average home cook.

About 5 minutes after we finished dinner I started to get really sick. I must have looked awful too because hubs kept asking if I felt okay. I finally told him I was grabbing my computer and blogging from bed. I hope I am not catching something. I have been nauseous after the last few meals I have consumed. Yuck. I honestly, think that my lady parts are just angry. Here is a little fact about me... It's about to get personal... 

I suffer from PCOS. Basically, my body hates me. My hormones are out of wack all the time, it makes it hard to lose weight, my periods are ridiculous (irregular and painful), I have thin hair that gets thinner based on hormone issues that month, and I get depressed very easily. PCOS can make having a baby difficult. That time of the month is usually hell.  I am in bed with cramps that double me over at least one day of my period, and I have a high pain tolerance. I feel nauseated and have stomach issues during this time of the month and I run a fever. Occasionally, I have ruptured cysts and have had to go the E.R. for the pain and I have pelvic pain pretty much through the month. This month I have lost enough hair to make a wig and I feel like I have the flu. Fatigue is a mother. 

PCOS can cause diabetes, high blood pressure and so many other issues. So my angry lady parts want to kill me. Lovely. I am just ready for this month to be over. I am also ready to stop feeling pukey. Is that a word?

 Dear Lady parts, There isn't a bun in the oven because you won't allow that so stop being biatchy. K?