So it has been 365 days. Still not any easier. I still cry a lot. I still feel empty. But at the same time I know he is better off. Maybe I should see this day as a celebration instead of trying to hide in my bed. I mean he is in a better place, no longer suffering here. The only reasons I cry are selfish ones. I am sad because I am here, not up there with him. Today was weird. I wanted to sleep through the whole day but that wasn't possible, so I decided to drag myself out of bed. I went to the office. The place he spent most of his days. I cried when I first got there but then got a grasp and actually enjoyed some of the day. Every once in awhile I had a small moment of sadness but it's okay. I have my memories and while at the beginning of the year I was so afraid I would start forgetting I now realize that is not the case. I still remember listening to George Jones with him non-stop. I remember dancing on his feet. I remember his amazing hamburgers. I remember driving down to the farm late at night with him. I remember the way he and nanny would make our birthdays so special. I will always have those memories and one day I will see him again.
God , I miss him. Here I am crying like a baby again, but I feel better getting some of this out.
Papa at Christmas
Here is the song I sang for him at his funeral: