Monday, January 31, 2011

One year and it still hurts

One year ago today my Papa Johnny left us. I do not even know where to begin explaining my feelings. He was one of the most important people in my life. I saw him everyday. I told him almost everything. I went to him for advice. Everyone talked about Papa and his babies and we were his pride and joy. We knew this and loved him just as much. Being the oldest I felt even closer to him. It was so hard to lose him.
So it has been 365 days. Still not any easier. I still cry a lot. I still feel empty. But at the same time I know he is better off. Maybe I should see this day as a celebration instead of trying to hide in my bed. I mean he is in a better place, no longer suffering here. The only reasons I cry are selfish ones. I am sad because I am here, not up there with him. Today was weird. I wanted to sleep through the whole day but that wasn't possible, so I decided to drag myself out of bed. I went to the office. The place he spent most of his days. I cried when I first got there but then got a grasp and actually enjoyed some of the day. Every once in awhile I had a small moment of sadness but it's okay. I have my memories and while at the beginning of the year I was so afraid I would start forgetting I now realize that is not the case. I still remember listening to George Jones with him non-stop. I remember dancing on his feet. I remember his amazing hamburgers. I remember driving down to the farm late at night with him. I remember the way he and nanny would make our birthdays so special. I will always have those memories and one day I will see him again.
God , I miss him. Here I am crying like a baby again, but I feel better getting some of this out.
Papa at Christmas

Here is the song I sang for him at his funeral:

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