Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Pain meds, 1200lb beasts and food.

I have walked through this lovely Tuesday thinking it was Friday all day. Tomorrow is going to be a rude awakening.
Via - Via

It actually hasn't been a bad day. I did have to cancel my lesson because I am on some pretty heavy pain meds. Something about 1200 lb animals and not being on your toes just doesn't mix. Especially when one of those lovelies gets so excited to see you, he turns into a bucking, leaping goof ball and the other is a newbie. I do not have a death wish.

In other news... my husband is perfect and spoils me rotten. I got french toast this morning for breakfast. I think french toast is probably the yummiest breakfast food ever. It is so weird though. Who thought "I am going to dip this bread in egg and let it get soggy and fry it up?" Every time I try to get crazy in the kitchen it is a flop.

This post has no rhyme or reason. Just rambles. That is my brain this week!

And my small attention span is taking me elsewhere...

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Monday, May 19, 2014

Changed in an instant

My life changed instantly.

 I saw two pink lines and my life changed. A few weeks later as the doctor explained that my little peanut was no more my life changed again.

It's weird, I was so nervous about being a mom and so afraid I wasn't ready. I now realize that I want nothing more than to hold my child.

We were devastated at first. I cried more than I have ever cried before. Chris cried... Chris cried.
My body hasn't recognized it yet. I have technically had a missed miscarriage. It is hard waiting.

We have realized now that this is God's plan. It happened for a reason. I am still a mother.


We do plan on trying again and we are hoping we will be blessed again. For now all we can do is pray.

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Thursday, May 8, 2014

Praying they are wrong

We had our first ultrasound Tuesday. We went in excited. Planning and smiling.

We came out crying.

They couldn't find a heartbeat and the sac is measuring 8 weeks and the baby is measuring 5. They told me to prepare for a miscarriage and I felt like someone had just ripped out my heart.

I came home and we laid in bed and cried. I called mom because she has had 3 miscarriages. I called my sister and my cousin who both have used the same doctor. They both said he couldn't find their babies heartbeats either. The same Dr. told my sister her pregnancy was a false pregnancy for the first month. I felt a little better.

I jumped on The Bump and started researching. Some women said this happened to them and their babies were fine. Some women suffered miscarriages. I called my friend who is a midwife and she reassured me that the sonograms are so inaccurate that they really can't tell much but that a miscarriage is possible. She said to continue on like nothing is wrong.

  So now we wait.

I started thinking about how I have always been the girl who was kinda take it or leave it on the kids topic. If I had them great, if I didn't oh well. Then we started trying and I realized I REALLY wanted a child. When we became pregnant I started to second guess. Was I ready? Would I be a good mom? What if I hated waking up every two hours? What if I couldn't handle having someone attached to me 24/7?

Then this happened. I realized I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I love this child more than I have ever loved anything. I am ready to be a mom. I NEED to be a mom.

I realize this post is a ramble. I had to get it out. Just pray for us please.

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Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Week #8

Week 8. How am I already 8 weeks pregnant? I feel like I just found out. I actually cried a little when I realized the first trimester is 2/3 done. I am extremely weepy these days. No one tells you that.

Actually there is a lot no one tells you...

Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant. I love this child already more than I thought possible. However, pregnancy is weird and I think people should be fair warned.

 The symptoms aren't what I thought they would be. 
It wasn't the missed period and sleepiness and slightly upset stomach I thought it would be. Oh no, Baby H wanted to make an announcement. I am talking excruciating cramps. I thought "Wow, this period is going to be rough." Little did I know we were going to bypass that fiasco this month. After 2 weeks of cramping I realized I was a little late and decided to take a test. And then another. And then Another. All positive. Apparently that pain is everything adjusting down there and will get worse. Lovely.

Morning sickness is a lie. 
No sickness of the morning here. It is actually just constant sickness and actually it gets worse in the evening when it is time for the yummy food like steak. I miss steak. I did find these magical things called Preggy Pops. I love saying Preggy Pops but seriously, they work almost instantly. The food aversions are real. I haven't wanted any sweets and I am typically a chocoholic.

Crying... oh the crying... 
So, everything makes me want to cry. Especially if it is child or animal related. And if I do start crying, I can't stop. It can be an hour later and tears will be streaming down my face and I can't stop! I feel like a lunatic.

My face looks like a 14 year old boys.
No pregnancy glow here. Just a lot of face wash and acne. Just my luck. Oh yeah, and your hair falls.

Despite all of this I am super excited and I actually don't mind it all. It just is so weird. By the way, the baby is the size of a green olive and I may have cried when I looked at the chart and realized a watermelon is on that chart.

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