Thursday, May 8, 2014

Praying they are wrong

We had our first ultrasound Tuesday. We went in excited. Planning and smiling.

We came out crying.

They couldn't find a heartbeat and the sac is measuring 8 weeks and the baby is measuring 5. They told me to prepare for a miscarriage and I felt like someone had just ripped out my heart.

I came home and we laid in bed and cried. I called mom because she has had 3 miscarriages. I called my sister and my cousin who both have used the same doctor. They both said he couldn't find their babies heartbeats either. The same Dr. told my sister her pregnancy was a false pregnancy for the first month. I felt a little better.

I jumped on The Bump and started researching. Some women said this happened to them and their babies were fine. Some women suffered miscarriages. I called my friend who is a midwife and she reassured me that the sonograms are so inaccurate that they really can't tell much but that a miscarriage is possible. She said to continue on like nothing is wrong.

  So now we wait.

I started thinking about how I have always been the girl who was kinda take it or leave it on the kids topic. If I had them great, if I didn't oh well. Then we started trying and I realized I REALLY wanted a child. When we became pregnant I started to second guess. Was I ready? Would I be a good mom? What if I hated waking up every two hours? What if I couldn't handle having someone attached to me 24/7?

Then this happened. I realized I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I love this child more than I have ever loved anything. I am ready to be a mom. I NEED to be a mom.

I realize this post is a ramble. I had to get it out. Just pray for us please.

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