Joining the Exclusive Pumping Club

I did not choose the pump life, the pump life chose me.

I was dead set on breastfeeding. I had a double electric pump just in case I wanted to go out and needed to pump Ava's meal for Deedee and Pop (my mom and dad) to watch her. It never crossed my mind that breastfeeding didn't come natural to everyone and I never thought I would be an exclusive pumper. But, that is where I am at right now (No, I am seriously attached to my pump as I type this). 

The minute Ava was placed on my chest and we attempted to breastfeed she did great. Latched right on and fed for 15 minutes her first try. I was so happy and the nurses were impressed. The next few days we kept attempting to nurse but I could tell something wasn't right. Ava made a clicking noise and breastfeeding was so painful. My nipples were bleeding and I didn't know how much more I could take. My nurse called in the L.C, who said she thought I was doing fine but she gave me a shield just in case. Mind you, the woman never watched Ava latch because Ava was sleeping and she told me not to wake her up, so how the hell did she know how we were doing?

Once we got home breastfeeding became more troublesome. Ava would get frustrated and I would get frustrated. We both cried.  I started googling breastfeeding advice and looking up proper latching. I noticed Ava's top lip was turning in. We had a mild lip tie. I called mom and told her I had no idea what to do. My mom assured me that all of her children had ties and still successfully nursed. Well, except me... I was the first and a formula baby because she was working. Mom offered to come over and help me and when she showed up I felt to relieved! Until we noticed another problem...

Apparently, my nipples suck. I never realized I had weird nipple but apparently I do and that was the biggest issue Ava had. My nipples are flat and my boobs are huge so she can't get enough in her mouth. Add that to the lip tie and we are batting 0-2. My husband and I discussed it and decided that it wasn't worth putting Ava through getting the lip tie fixed if it wouldn't affect her later because with my stupid nipples she still probably couldn't breast feed. The pediatrician agreed with us.

That evening I walked into my bedroom, hooked up my pump and cried as I pumped a bottle for my sweet Ava Grace. I knew that it was the right thing to do, that fed is best. At the same time, I felt like I was missing out on a huge part of motherhood. I wanted that breastfeeding bond. I sucked it up and told myself it would be okay. I took the bottle to Chris and smiled through my tears as he finally got to feed our daughter. I realized that there were benefits. He would get to help with feedings and she was still getting the "liquid gold".

Pumping is not easy. Some days I feel like I am attached to that machine all day. Finding a place to pump when out in public is not always easy. I have to take either the big pump or the hand pump every where I go. I struggle with supply because of PCOS and now I fear that I will have to supplement. I know, I know... fed is best. It won't be the end of the world if I have to supplement.

With that being said, pumping is also rewarding. I am not missing out. Chris gets to help feed when I need him to. That is a blessing! I am still providing nutrients for our baby girl and I still get those sleepy milk drunk smiles. The best of both worlds. Pumping is becoming more normal and there are huge support groups for it now and I have met some great mama's through pumping. It might not be for everyone but it is what works for us. Fed is best.

2 Months!

My little one is growing so fast! We have reached two months and she has changed so much. Her little personality is growing more and more daily. She is a smiling, cooing little bundle of joy. 

She fights sleep like Ronda Rousey, but once she is down for the night we get 6-9 hours! She loves her mobile, piano play mat and her mirror. 

Ava Grace : Birth Story Part 2

I finally have a minute to finish little one's birth story.

We were to the part where we went to the hospital. We go in and they send us to our room. The nurse comes in and starts going through all the fun check in questions. Once she is done with that Chris runs to the car to get our things and I call mama and daddy. They had picked up my sister, Anna and my grandmother and were on the way down. 

They arrived just as Chris was bringing up dinner. Only two people were allowed in the room with me at a time so everyone started rotating shifts. At 9pm the nurse came in and inserted Cervadil to get things going. I was told that at 9am they would start Pitocin. I thought we had plenty of time to sleep and rest up. Ava Grace had other plans. 

4am

I get up to pee and climb back into bed and hook myself back up to the annoying monitors. I was trying to get comfy and was snuggling the labor bear (bear made from the quilt that was in the room when my great grandmother delivered each of her children) and decided to roll over. That's when I felt a pop and warm fluid running down my thighs. At this point mom was in the room and my dad, grandmother, sister and hubby were all supposed to be chilling in the lobby. I woke mom up and she went to get a nurse while I called Chris. He was in the room within 60 seconds. He had been sleeping in the car because it was more comfy. How he made it that fast, I will never know. 

I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. I had to pee again and started vomiting (morning sickness to the end!). The nurse came in at 5am. She checked me and I was dilated to 5. She asked if I wanted an epidural and I said "yes, please!". So, she went off to order it and said I had some time. I swear, the second she walked out the door I told mom and Chris, "I think this is it. I need to push."

At 5:50am the nurse and midwife came in to set up the room. The anesthesiologist came in to do the epidural and my vein collapsed for my IV so he said he would come back after they got a new one started. We didn't make it that far...

At 6:15 I looked at the midwife and said, "I can't wait for the Dr. or the epidural. I need to push now." At this point they were rushing to get the room ready, she was getting dressed and I said to hell with it I can't wait and started pushing by myself. I couldn't believe that I was going through NATURAL child birth. What the heck?!

I pushed like 5 times and at 6:34am Ava Grace entered the world. It went so fast and I was so proud of myself for doing it natural! I felt like superwoman and then they laid my precious gift on my chest. I looked at her, and said, "Hello my baby Ava Grace. We have been waiting so long for you." It was magical. There is nothing like meeting your first child.

Ava Grace: 1 month

Blogging with an infant is hard!

She is definitely over a month old now and I haven't finished her birth story but I had to share. I mean look at those eyes. Swoon.

The first month flew by. Time, slow down!

We are learning each other still but everything is starting to click. She definitely has an angry cry. She is a daddy's girl and prefers to snuggle with him at night. She is fascinated by Riley and will watch him for the longest time. Bath time is her favorite and will usually relax her to sleep. She is smiling and can roll from her tummy to her back. She will do it over and over again. She is very strong for her age. A strong core could mean a future equestrian! She sleeps in 4 hour stretches through the night (sometimes longer) and we hope that lasts! She is learning to like the car (finally) so maybe we can start adventuring out more.

We love watching her learn new things and take in the world around her. I can't wait to see what this next month brings and what new things she learns along the way.

 

Ava Grace's Birth Story: Part 1

Going into this pregnancy I was terrified. I do not do well with medical stuff and the thought of being poked and groped and in a hospital terrified me. I considered a home birth because I knew that I was risking a panic attack by delivering in a hospital. Towards the end of the pregnancy I was so over it I didn't care where I delivered. I just wanted her out. I tried everything to induce labor. EVERYTHING...

Pineapple juice, spicy food, eggplant parmesan, walking, bouncing, nipple stimulation, sex... Nothing worked. People risked their lives when they would ask, " You still haven't had that baby?" Um... I still look like a freaking beached whale don't I? I was irritable and so ready to have Ava Grace in my arms.

The best thing I did was join a Facebook group for mommies due in December. We all battled the pregnancy woes together and they assured me my body could do this. We all naively compared birth plans and I actually thought I stood a good chance of sticking to mine. It was simple and didn't include any crazy requests.

 I wanted to be able to avoid the IV as long as possible.
 I only wanted my mom and Chris in the room.
 I didn't want many visitors before, during and after.
And the most important one...
I wanted the epidural. ASAP.

I didn't need a special playlist or a special tea to relax me or any of that. I just wanted the drugs so hopefully I wouldn't panic or throw up and pass out from pain. I pictured myself going into labor at work and strolling to the car. Hubs would drive me to the hospital we would check in. I would get the drugs and all would be well. Ha... Little did I know...

She was due Friday, December 4th. She didn't get the memo. Saturday and Sunday I felt like crap. My hands were swelling and I felt light headed. My appointment was Wednesday to talk about our next step, but I knew I probably wouldn't make it until then.

Monday morning I woke up and went to work. My sister and I were working on setting up our new office so it was kind of a chill day but around 10:00AM my hands started swelling  to the point where I couldn't make a fist. I tried to ignore it but then my vision started to blur. Fun, I know.

I called the Dr and they said to come in so I got my grandmother to drive me because I couldn't see road signs at that point. At the Dr. they said my blood pressure was high. I was dilated to a 2 and Ava Grace was at station 2. Final verdict: go to the hospital, we will induce you.

I was so nervous but so excited all at the same time. It kind of hit me... I am about to have to push a child out of my body! I went and picked up hubs and we grabbed lunch and headed to the hospital.
That's where the real fun starts...

1st trimester recap

I did it! I made it through the first trimester!! What a freaking ride...

The whole first trimester was pretty much the same. It included stuff stretching, being super tired and LOTS of vomiting. So, I decided to spare everyone the weekly updates which would have been, "I vomited this week and the Dr. threatened to make me get fluids so I choked down some Pedialyte."

That was pretty much the first 14 weeks.

Seriously, the first trimester was tough. There were some days I could not even keep down water. I was super weak and I managed to lose 12 pounds.  I called my mom at one point crying and declaring, "What have I done? Why did I think I could handle this? I can't do this?! How did that Duggar lady do this 19 times?!"

Mom laughed at me, said I told you so and informed me that a lot of ladies don't have it this bad. Mom actually had it worse. She was super sick and was on bed rest, so she probably thought suck it up kid. My neighbor informed me she barely knew she was pregnant the whole time and I wanted to call her ugly names but I refrained.

So quick over view...

Food - I couldn't eat anything but plain pasta and watermelon and popsicles and cheese pizza. It sucked. This baby HATES sweets so no cookies or chocolate or any of that. I can't handle sweet tea. Sweet tea y'all. It has ran through my veins for so long I think I am detoxing. I also can't handle fried foods. Did I mention I live in GEORGIA?

Changes I've noticed- My boobs are already big but they are even bigger now! Chris is loving that.  My jeans no longer fit but that's okay. I have been wearing dresses and they show off the bump and I kinda love that.

The baby... Little one is the size of a navel orange and very active! I am feeling flutters and when we go to the Dr. you can hear baby H kicking at the heart monitor. That is the coolest thing ever.

Daddy... I know he is super nervous. His anxiety has kicked into high gear. At the same time, he is so excited. He has taken care of everything in the house while I have been sick. He works his but off at work. He talks to the baby every night and sleeps with his hand on my tummy. He asks randomly through the day, " Have you  felt flutters today? Are you okay today? How's the baby doing?" It is adorable. Daddy is the cutest role on him.

So that is the first trimester for us. It is hard but amazing. I can't wait for December!

Changed in an instant

My life changed instantly.

 I saw two pink lines and my life changed. A few weeks later as the doctor explained that my little peanut was no more my life changed again.

It's weird, I was so nervous about being a mom and so afraid I wasn't ready. I now realize that I want nothing more than to hold my child.

We were devastated at first. I cried more than I have ever cried before. Chris cried... Chris cried.
My body hasn't recognized it yet. I have technically had a missed miscarriage. It is hard waiting.

We have realized now that this is God's plan. It happened for a reason. I am still a mother.

                                                                            Via

We do plan on trying again and we are hoping we will be blessed again. For now all we can do is pray.

Oh Baby!

Thursday April 11th. I took dinner to Chris at the office because he had the night shift. I left around 10:30pm and on the way home started thinking about things to put on my grocery list for the next day.

Bread, milk, tampons... Wait that was supposed to be here like last week.

I chalked it up to the stress we have been having due to an emergency remodel on the basement (it flooded). I mean there is no way we were actually going to be parents.

When I got home I took a test just in case and felt confused as I saw two pink lines appear on the test. We have had so many negatives this year while trying that I thought this was a fluke. I took another one.

Two pink lines.

I called mama. "Mom, I just got a positive. How accurate are these things? Should I take another?" She assured me it was probably pretty accurate. I sat there in shock.

It was 11:30 at this point. I hopped back in the car and went back to the office. Chris was in the lounge watching a movie. " Turn off your movie" I said. I handed him the test. We hugged. I cried.

He later told me the way I came in there so late and crying he thought  someone had died. Oops. Not the mood I was going for.

So yeah, we are going to be parents! We are due December 8th!

Brantley goes to Hearts and Flowers

As stressful as the holidays can be, the little traditions make it worth while. Every year we go to a little primitive decor store called Hearts and Flowers. We pick up Christmas decor and we each get an ornament.

We used to pack a picnic and go on a girls trip with our neighbors for a girl trip. They moved away and we decided to make it a family trip and the boys got to go. Sorry, Anne but you ditched! Come back!!

This year was baby Brantley's first trip. We decided to take a girl's day. I drove to mama's house and fed Brantley his bottle while everyone got ready. Then we were off!

We shopped and snacked on holiday cookies. We chatted with the owner's and shared that Brantley is the fifth generation to take part in the Hearts and Flowers tradition. They were thrilled! We picked out candles (my favorite is Cornbread and Honey) decor and ornanments and said our goodbyes promising to be back with all of the guys soon. We stopped on the bridge for a quick picture and then by the sign. Tradition!

On the way home we hit a few antique stores. I was a total nephew hog but hey, Anna gets to see him every day.We stopped at a little cafe on the way home and I didn't want the day to end. I cant wait to introduce him to more traditions, There is something so special about sharing them with the little ones.

Baby? Maybe?

I have been absent from the blog lately. Sorry.

I have been busy and I have also had some issues. Issues that forced me to take a look at my future and where I am headed. Issues that made me change my timeline a little. Scary.

Okay, where to start....

Two Mondays ago

 Actually, last Monday... it was just a REALLY long week, I went to the lady doctor. Tons of fun. I just recently switched insurance so I ended up using a new doctor. This is a good thing, because my last doctor didn't listen to a thing I said.

Anyways, off track... So I go to this new doctor. We start going over my medical history and I tell her about the cysts and how I have all the signs of P.C.O.S and when I mentioned it to my other doctor's husband (she didn't have time to see me.) the answer was, "Yeah it seems to be P.C.O.S but I already have you on Birth Control for your irregularity so that's pretty much all we can do." He then left the room.

I told them numerous times the medicine they had me on wasn't controlling anything and finally had to demand it be changed. It was great and I finally got relief. 

Skip to recently.... The new Dr. said that because I have been regulated 7 years by BC it's hard to say what is going on. My hormones are so regulated this point and have been for so long. So ... I can go off of it and see what happens or I can stay regulated and assume the first diagnosis was correct. 

Then she said with the history of cancer, the endometriosis among other issues she feared that it was better for me to try for kids soon. Like a lot sooner than later. She said there might not be an issue but there could be,  especially with mom's endometriosis and history of 3 miscarriages.  Luckily, my sister being pregnant gives us hope. 

So we have been talking about the options. A LOT. And crying a lot. Oh wait that was just me. 

Hmmm... I said I didn't know if I was ready for a child or not. I have talked about it on the blog before. The baby timing is a total conflict for me. Now? Later? Am I ready? No?

I think this is what I have wanted all along, but I have been afraid that it wouldn't or couldn't happen so I never let myself entertain the thought. Now that it is a thought that has to be entertained I am excited. I have been a pinning fool. I have caught myself leading Chris towards the baby sections when we are shopping. 

So that is why I have been absent. There have been huge decisions in the Hermann household.

Oh and the devotional app on my phone today?

" He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

         - Psalm 113:9

A sign maybe? We are now birth control free.  Say a prayer that this works out the way God intends.   

-M

Sleep like a baby.

Why do people say that?
I have a seven month old niece and that kid hates sleep. Seriously, she considers 15 minutes a good nap.

I try to tell her that one day when she is working a 9-5 she will miss those nap opportunities. She just babbles and pulls my hair and drools or sticks her tongue out at me.

Seriously,  Baby K, you are too cute but you should listen to Auntie when she says you will wish you had taken your naps one day. 

She will stay awake until she reaches zombie stage.

That was almost to zombie point, Easter Sunday. She will scream and cry and wiggle and do anything to not fall asleep. And the whole time I am thinking "Please, let me take her nap for her." Her mom never goes for that arrangement. I think Baby K could handle the phones while I took a 30 minute siesta.

The kid already has me fearing the sleep I will lose once we have kids. I have been reading everything I can on how to make the little munchkins sleep. Apparently, soft blankies and teddy bears do not make babies sleepy. 

Why do babies fight it? Do they not know that sleep is magical? That one day the will count the minutes of sleep they can fit in? Or is that just me? Can you tell I am sleep deprived?! 

 

Let's catch up...

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. In reality it was Thursday.

So what have I been doing?
Well, Friday was Good Friday. So hubs took the day off and met with the cable guy, so we have REAL television and I can watch TANNER FOUST. Yum...

*ahem*
Back to Good Friday- we went to church (my first Good Friday service). There was a lot of kneeling and standing but I enjoyed it and I found a fellow newbie/non-Catholic spouse. We clung to each other like 5 year olds on the first day of Pre-K.
                         

Saturday we had barbecue with my parents. Yum. Chris and I talked my sister, Anna, into going to Easter Mass with us. We got home at midnight and started dying eggs. Yes, yes we are insane. But look at our gorgeous eggs. 

We also made delicious coffee cake that took twice as long as it should have because I decided to edit the recipe. So we went to bed at like 2:00am. 

The 6:00am alarm was brutal. So I told it to shut up and slept until 8. Oops. We spent Easter morning with his family, eating eggs, bacon, coffee cake, biscuits and gravy.... the list goes on. We hid eggs for the little ones and then ate their candy. It was great. 

We then went to my parents and had dinner. Potato soup, ham, homemade bread and cake. I gained 5 pounds. No seriously, my scale says I gained 5 pounds. We fished and went four- wheeling and played with the ponies. 

My sister had a photo shoot to do with Ms. baby and I grabbed a camera to help because she was grouchy and we needed to get as many shots as we could in a short amount of time. 

 

Then HE gets baby fever...

Hey guys. It's me, Mrs. Confused. Always confused.

So if you read the other day you know I was freaking out about not having kids. The hubs wanted to wait, P.C.O.S says no, I don't know if I will ever be ready...

I finally came to the decision to feel at peace. I decided to give it to God. I thought I would just be me, continue to compete with the horses, because Lord knows that stops when you have a kid to support, and I would just enjoy life.

Without kids I have money to buy clothes and cars and horses. I can travel and relax. I mean this could be a good thing. I and I though, "hmm... wait a while and be selfish awhile longer..."

Then we are in bed about to doze off and hubs says, "I was thinking, I think 4 kids would be perfect. So we should probably have one in the next year." My reaction...

And then... 

I am so confused. I need a day or two to process. 

I mean agreeing to one would be cool... 4? He is insane. And I was just coming to terms with waiting. So why does he think it's okay to change his mind like some people change underwear. It's like he doesn't get that there are huge risk, and decisions and emotions attached to this. Ugh... I need wine and a BFF night. And tissue.

Fears

First let me warn you. I feel like this today...

And a little like this...

I usually get so depressed during the winter, but somehow I made it this year. I stayed strong. Then this week hit and some fears and depression crept in. I feel like I need to get them out before they take over.

My main fear...
Not having kids. It's so strange I have always been the one to say, " eh I don't have time for them right now." Then my cousin had Ms. Baby and I found out my younger sister is expecting and it hit me. I am almost 25 and there are no children in sight. My feminine issues are alive and well. The cysts are still attacking and I don't know if children are even possible. What if they aren't?

Hubs says he doesn't care. We can adopt. I can collect dogs or horses.... we don't have to have kids. But  maybe I want them. Hell, I don't even know if I want them. Some days baby fever is awful and takes over. Some days I am glad I can go ride my horses and drink wine all night. Maybe I just feel pressured because everyone else seems to be taking the step to parenthood. I feel like maybe it makes me less of an adult because I am not taking that leap yet. I feel like I will never be 100% ready.

 I am so conflicted and so confused and so emotional. I am sick of crying and feeling empty over it. I am hoping this is mainly PMS. Our plan is to be financially ready, house paid off... Now, my plan is to let God take over. I hope peace comes into my week.

A Simple Christmas

This year the holiday was simple and cozy and perfect. We didn't do anything unusual just dinner and 24 hr Christmas story and quality family time.

My gorgeous sister. She is home again and things are better. I am glad, I missed her annoying ways.

The three of us. We are sisters, but we are all so different.

Me and the hubs! I love this picture, even if he is fake smiling. 

A new camera to film his new baby. 

And speaking of the bundle of joy!

Sweet baby K's first Christmas! 

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! 

It's okay Thursday

It's been on of those days... But it's okay. 

... that at one point today I felt the anxiety and OCD take over. I told everyone to leave me alone for 5 minutes and organized my space. Then I popped a Valerian root pill. 
... That I filled a drawer full of "I'll do it laters..."
... that I was so excited I shrieked to see the company not only on the local news but TMZ as well.  I should really be used to the media by now, but I am not. Even after 25 years. Lame I know.

... that I have put off cleaning all week. I plan on catching up this weekend. 

... that I am so excited that my bestie is home from Washington and we are planning her wedding. I am more excited about planning her's than mine. No pressure with her wedding. lol kidding Emma. Kinda... 

... that every time I hold baby K someone asks if I plan on having one soon. This doesn't mean we have to jump on the band wagon. I have time right?

... that I feel the winter depression setting in. I will not go on a prescription again. I have my husband and my family and my friends and you guys. I will be fine. 

.... that I am obsessed with my new cornbread and honey candle by 1803 Candles . Is there anything more southern than cornbread and honey? 

... that I am so ready for Friday. It doesn't mean I love my crew any less. I have 2 families. 

Friday Letters

Dear pit bulls, You are misunderstood and I don't think it is fair. Tonight we watched Beyond the Myth. All I can say is wow. People are ignorant. I really need to do more for the breed. Maybe finish my book about adopting my guy? My fortune cookie did say something about that.

Dear nails, You are gorgeous this week. Seriously, one of my favorite color schemes ever. 

Nude, Cocoa Brown and sparkles

Dear dogs, When I got home today I had a surprise waiting. You guys threw a party! There were cans and trash on the sofas, under the tables... It looked like a group of frat boys partied with ya'll. Not cool. 

Dear sleep, I have missed you. We are reuniting this weekend! 

Dear readers, Thank you for hanging in there with me through the move and the slacking. In the next month I plan to be more active, do more for sponsors and get more real with the content.

Dear Ms. Baby, We are kinda besties. Auntie adores you. Never forget that. 

Friday letters.

Dear Baby K, You have grown so much and aunty loves being able to see you everyday. What a blessing. Happy one month little bit! 

Dear little blog, You are growing and we are meeting new people. Yay! I love the community. I love the people I have met. I love the outlet.

Dear Mama and Daddy, (yes I am a true Southern girl and still call them mama and daddy) I miss you guys! 2 weeks is way to long. Work is boring without ya'll. I didn't realize how much I enjoy seeing ya'll everyday. Please come home soon!

Dear sissy Sara, I hope you are rocking it at the World Championships. Enjoy every moment because you will miss it. I know your 17 year old self said that it is interfering with life, but honey you will realize that those horses are a huge part of  life. When you grow up and have a job and have to squeeze in ride time you will miss spending 6 hours a day in the saddle. Trust me. 

*** Update*** One World Champion Title and 2 reserve World Champion Titles! Way to show off The Castleberry girls' talents! I am proud of you. 

Dear hubby, Yay for this new chapter! You know the one where we get to spend a lot more time at home? Sitting on our deck, eating dinner and watching the sunset behind our horse was amazing. Can you believe we are lucky enough to see that every night now. 

Always. Sometimes. Never- WE ARE HAVING A BABY

Okay so not we as in me and the hubs, but we as in the family. Yesterday, my cousin and I were at work and her water broke. Yep, she got to leave work early, lucky lady. 

I always think Chris would be a good dad. Then I realize that means I have to push a watermelon through my lady parts. 

Sometimes I forget that part and my body is like, "hey your clock is ticking!" 

I am thinking that this point in my cousins delivery that never having a baby sounds pretty good. They are saying she will be in labor 27 hours once it's all said in done. Oh Em Gee! 

Dad just texted me from the hospital and asked if I really want to have a baby one day. I asked if he REALLY felt the need to ever be a Grandpa or if we could just skip that. Just kidding. 

So that's what I am doing today. Waiting on Ms. Baby to make her entrance. I always get to be the one holding down the fort at work, but that's okay. Sometimes I am afraid a situation that I haven't encountered before will pop up and I won't know what to do. There is never a dull moment around this place.