A few fears...

Photo By Gabi Agu via StockPholio.com 

 It is only fitting to talk about our fears with Halloween just around the corner.  I have the usual fears: losing someone I love, failure, loneliness, not having kids....

And I have others:

• Spiders. I cannot handle spiders. I have wrestled alligators, walked lions on leashes and handled snakes but you bring a spider around and I lose it. 
• Running out of chocolate. I keep chocolate on hand all the time and the second I realize my stash is out I panic a little.  Okay, a lot and I usually make an emergency run to the store in my pajamas. 
• Heights. I am clumsy and then you put me up high and I just know my next stumble will be my last.
• Breaking another bone. Breaking my elbow was not so bad, but breaking my tailbone was excruciating. Yes, I broke my ass. 
• Scary movies. I cannot even watch the previews of 90% of them. Even movies that kids can handle sometimes freak me out.  

So those are a few of my fears. What are yours?

Baby? Maybe?

I have been absent from the blog lately. Sorry.

I have been busy and I have also had some issues. Issues that forced me to take a look at my future and where I am headed. Issues that made me change my timeline a little. Scary.

Okay, where to start....

Two Mondays ago

 Actually, last Monday... it was just a REALLY long week, I went to the lady doctor. Tons of fun. I just recently switched insurance so I ended up using a new doctor. This is a good thing, because my last doctor didn't listen to a thing I said.

Anyways, off track... So I go to this new doctor. We start going over my medical history and I tell her about the cysts and how I have all the signs of P.C.O.S and when I mentioned it to my other doctor's husband (she didn't have time to see me.) the answer was, "Yeah it seems to be P.C.O.S but I already have you on Birth Control for your irregularity so that's pretty much all we can do." He then left the room.

I told them numerous times the medicine they had me on wasn't controlling anything and finally had to demand it be changed. It was great and I finally got relief. 

Skip to recently.... The new Dr. said that because I have been regulated 7 years by BC it's hard to say what is going on. My hormones are so regulated this point and have been for so long. So ... I can go off of it and see what happens or I can stay regulated and assume the first diagnosis was correct. 

Then she said with the history of cancer, the endometriosis among other issues she feared that it was better for me to try for kids soon. Like a lot sooner than later. She said there might not be an issue but there could be,  especially with mom's endometriosis and history of 3 miscarriages.  Luckily, my sister being pregnant gives us hope. 

So we have been talking about the options. A LOT. And crying a lot. Oh wait that was just me. 

Hmmm... I said I didn't know if I was ready for a child or not. I have talked about it on the blog before. The baby timing is a total conflict for me. Now? Later? Am I ready? No?

I think this is what I have wanted all along, but I have been afraid that it wouldn't or couldn't happen so I never let myself entertain the thought. Now that it is a thought that has to be entertained I am excited. I have been a pinning fool. I have caught myself leading Chris towards the baby sections when we are shopping. 

So that is why I have been absent. There have been huge decisions in the Hermann household.

Oh and the devotional app on my phone today?

" He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

         - Psalm 113:9

A sign maybe? We are now birth control free.  Say a prayer that this works out the way God intends.   

-M

Fears

First let me warn you. I feel like this today...

And a little like this...

I usually get so depressed during the winter, but somehow I made it this year. I stayed strong. Then this week hit and some fears and depression crept in. I feel like I need to get them out before they take over.

My main fear...
Not having kids. It's so strange I have always been the one to say, " eh I don't have time for them right now." Then my cousin had Ms. Baby and I found out my younger sister is expecting and it hit me. I am almost 25 and there are no children in sight. My feminine issues are alive and well. The cysts are still attacking and I don't know if children are even possible. What if they aren't?

Hubs says he doesn't care. We can adopt. I can collect dogs or horses.... we don't have to have kids. But  maybe I want them. Hell, I don't even know if I want them. Some days baby fever is awful and takes over. Some days I am glad I can go ride my horses and drink wine all night. Maybe I just feel pressured because everyone else seems to be taking the step to parenthood. I feel like maybe it makes me less of an adult because I am not taking that leap yet. I feel like I will never be 100% ready.

 I am so conflicted and so confused and so emotional. I am sick of crying and feeling empty over it. I am hoping this is mainly PMS. Our plan is to be financially ready, house paid off... Now, my plan is to let God take over. I hope peace comes into my week.