Little Signs

Do you believe in little signs from above?

I do. Without a doubt.

Last night as I was wading through tax paperwork I got one of these signs. Weird timing and I first I didn't catch what was happening because I was so absorbed in numbers.

Background: My grandfather passed away 4 years ago. You can read my posts about it here , here and here. I miss him. His favorite singer was George Jones. They had a similar life and he related. So, when I am missing him or need to relax I listen to old Country. There is one time I remember George Jones sang "Amazing Grace" acapella. My grandfather loved it and after his death I searched for a version of it. I couldn't find it and gave up. George Jones always talked about how the song "Angel Band" brought him out of a dark point in his life. I sang that song at Papa's funeral. (all of that will be relevant in a minute)

So there I was, trying to figure out where the other receipt for travel went and I thought, " Why don't I put on some music?"  I picked up my phone and Facebook was open. Country music nation had just posted a link of George Jones doing a cover of "Hello Darlin'...".

I thought  Old country it is.

I flipped to Pandora and chose the Classic Country station. The first song on was Conway Twitty singing "Hello Darlin...". Hmm... odd coincidence.

 The second song was "Amazing Grace". The acapella version by George Jones. I got goosebumps and then tears.

There was a stupid Pandora commercial and then "One Piece at a Time" by Johnny Cash came on. Papa and I used to laugh at the thought of that car in the song when I was a kid.

I still didn't catch the sign.

The third song was my favorite George Jones song... "He Stopped Loving Her Today". It is about a man who only stops loving when he is dead. Really sad, I know, but I used to dance on Papa's feet to it in the living room at the farm when I was little. So sad song, good memories.

The fourth song was another George Jones. I thought that's weird that Pandora is playing the same artist back to back. It was a song I had never heard called "The Blues Man".

One of the lyrics says,


"I was sure sinkin' when she came alongI was alone in the spot light, not too much left in sightShe changed all that one night when she sang me this song"

He doesn't list the lyrics to Angel Band, but every Jones fan knows that is the song she sang him. He says he heard "I Love You". 

I cried. Maybe I am crazy, but I think Papa was leading me through the memories to say he heard my last "I love you" and he loved me too.

 My husband shrugs it off. He lets me cry and guess, but he doesn't really believe it was a sign. He doesn't get stuff like that. Either way,whether I am crazy or not, I took peace in it. 

Hit hard. Again.

Today was my papa's birthday. I have only half-cried once, but I have a feeling when I lay down to sleep tonight the sobs will hit. Hard. 

My dad and I were the closest to him and in his death we have leaned on one another through all the ups and downs of the emotions.

Today, when I went to take care of Casper dad walked out and asked if I remembered what today was. I said yeah, I had thought of it first thing and then shut my eyes really hard like I would push away the pain. It didn't freaking work. Dammit! It still freaking hurts. 

Well papa, happy birthday. I love you and miss you and oh God does it still hurt. Right now, I have one of those lumps in my throat that feels like its going to burst and suffocate me. Ironically, this week I am at the point in my book where I have to write about losing you. I literally get out a sentence at a time and then lose it. Angry sobs, yelling and shaking sets in and I have to stop. Chris isn't even affected by the tears anymore. He has learned just to let me cry it out. 

 It's hard to spend everyday with someone, and then they are gone. Not only were you my grandpa, but my coworker, my boss, my best friend. I came to you with any questions or problems, be it work related, money related, education related or relationship related. You taught me so much. I strive to be who I think you would want me to be. Sometimes I lose my way, but then I go to the memorial garden and talk to you and regain focus. 

I just hope you are celebrating big in Heaven. I feel like you are with me or at least smiling down at me. Did you know dad is selling me the house you built? I am so excited to raise my kids in the walls you put up. I can't wait to tell them stories about the amazing man that the people of Alpharetta and Roswell are still talking about. I am proud to be your granddaughter. Your Princess. Your baby. 

I love you papa. Happy Birthday. 

Love, 

Your baby girl

Mallory

(I didn't really edit this. I can't read back through it. Sorry for errors and sorry for the sad post)

I AM getting stronger. I dont cry as much. I smile often

So when most of you read the lyrics of SARA EVANS STRONGER you think of a break up. Not me. I read these lyrics and they put the loss of papa and the whole grieving process into perspective. I DO still feel the sting of the pain, I sometimes have to FORCE the smile onto my face but everyday I get stronger. Songs on the radio remind me of him but I no longer cry and lose it when I hear them. It WONT EVER be the same but I am getting stronger. I still havent made it to the month without crying but I am getting stronger. *sigh* Sappy sad note i know but just had to get the feelings out before i Broke.

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain

But I brushed my teeth anyway

I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face

I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt

So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you

I listened to it for minute but I changed it

I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around

And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I'm telling myself I'll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around

And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried

I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer

I'm busy getting stronger