Saturday, August 11, 2012

Hit hard. Again.

Today was my papa's birthday. I have only half-cried once, but I have a feeling when I lay down to sleep tonight the sobs will hit. Hard. 

My dad and I were the closest to him and in his death we have leaned on one another through all the ups and downs of the emotions.
Today, when I went to take care of Casper dad walked out and asked if I remembered what today was. I said yeah, I had thought of it first thing and then shut my eyes really hard like I would push away the pain. It didn't freaking work. Dammit! It still freaking hurts. 

Well papa, happy birthday. I love you and miss you and oh God does it still hurt. Right now, I have one of those lumps in my throat that feels like its going to burst and suffocate me. Ironically, this week I am at the point in my book where I have to write about losing you. I literally get out a sentence at a time and then lose it. Angry sobs, yelling and shaking sets in and I have to stop. Chris isn't even affected by the tears anymore. He has learned just to let me cry it out. 

 It's hard to spend everyday with someone, and then they are gone. Not only were you my grandpa, but my coworker, my boss, my best friend. I came to you with any questions or problems, be it work related, money related, education related or relationship related. You taught me so much. I strive to be who I think you would want me to be. Sometimes I lose my way, but then I go to the memorial garden and talk to you and regain focus. 

I just hope you are celebrating big in Heaven. I feel like you are with me or at least smiling down at me. Did you know dad is selling me the house you built? I am so excited to raise my kids in the walls you put up. I can't wait to tell them stories about the amazing man that the people of Alpharetta and Roswell are still talking about. I am proud to be your granddaughter. Your Princess. Your baby. 

I love you papa. Happy Birthday. 

Your baby girl

(I didn't really edit this. I can't read back through it. Sorry for errors and sorry for the sad post)

1 comment :

Jamie said...

The only thing worse than losing someone you're that close to is having to remember daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly that they are actually gone. I am so sorry, girl!
My grandma has been gone almost 2 years now and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. Like you with your grandma, I was so very close to her and my heart aches the same as the day I found out she was gone.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!