B is for beauty. I see beauty in the small things. My husband says its part of my charm. Give me anything and I will find beauty. However, there is one thing that I sometimes have a hard time finding beauty in, and that is myself.
I was never the skinny girl. In elementary school it didnt really bother me, but when I hit middle school kids got mean. Appearance was everything. I went to school in the rich part of town and everyone wore designer clothes. It's hard to wear designer clothes, when the designers think that everyone is a size 00. I still managed to win people over with my sense of humor and charm. My group of friends grew, but my confidence was still lacking.
Then came highschool, I was terrified the first day. My best friend and I walked in and this really cute guy was stnding there with like ten girls around him. Em described him as eye candy. I thought to myself, she may be able to hang with these guys but not me. I felt 2 inches tall. Three months later I was dating Mr. Eye-candy. It was awful. We dated on and off for 18 months, but never went out with his friends. I felt like he was ashamed of me, so I threw myself into riding 6 horses a day, instead of just my one and ate the bare minimum. I got down to a size 6. It wasnt worth it, he still didnt make it publicly known that I was his. Then came the major blow... I over heard from some of the popular girls that when he told me he was at his grandmothers for the weekend he was actually with another girl. I found out about her, she found out about me and we both dumped him. I had low enough self-esteem to take him back though. I got thrown from one of the horses and broke my elbow. He went on Spring Break without me. He came back and dumped me for a girl a year younger than us, that he had spent spring break with.
After that I gained weight steadily. I felt awful about myself, so I turned to food. That made me feel worse and it was a vicious cycle. I needed a boost. I met Nerd my junior year of highschool (read our story here). He made me feel beautiful. My confidence soared with him, but I still never lost the weight. We got married and I actually gained more. I guess because I was so comfortable with him. I am really lucky. No matter what he, tells me I am beautiful or sexy or hot at least a dozen times a day. I am thankful that I have him and that he loves me for me. At the same time, I need to get healthy. I want to think I am beautiful too. There are some days I wake up and think, My hair looks great or I have great emerald green eyes, but I want to wake up and think, I am healthy and that is sexy.
Today I started a weight loss blog. You can check it out at this location. I hope it helps me stay motivated. I think if I know the public is watching me, I will try harder not to fail.
I am beautiful. Time to get healthy.