Saturday, October 18, 2014

A secret...

Today's Blogtober topic is all about secrets. I am going to get serious for a this one.

My secret: I suffer from anxiety and depression and it is 100x worse in fall and winter.

I don't talk about my struggle with anxiety because honestly most days I feel like I have it under control and maybe don't struggle as much as others. I was reminded how wrong that thinking truly is last Saturday.

I was sleeping and everything had been okay. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. with this feeling of dread. I grabbed a glass of water and Confianzas (a natural remedy for anxiety that usually works) and tried to lay back down, but I was too far gone. The negative thoughts kept creeping in.

".... something bad is going to happen. ... too Chris?.... the dogs?.... my parents?... my horse?"

I sent a text to  my sister at 3:00 a.m asking about my horse. She is a doll and sent me a picture to assure me he was okay.
Sorry it's blurry. It's a 3 a.m. iphone photo
More thoughts flooded.
" Are we okay money wise?..... am I drifting from my friends?.... Brantley is growing up in a scary world...."

It just kept going. I was sobbing and couldn't calm myself down. The next morning at Bible study I was still shaking and on the verge of tears. A sweet friend suffers from anxiety too and calmed me down. She told me ways to try to control it and I went home calmer.

I really don't want to go back on a prescription. I feel like a zombie on pills. A few years ago I went through a massive mental breakdown, called off my wedding and withdrew from everyone. The prescription got me through it but I didn't like the person I was on it.

So, for now I am trying to get more sunlight and more vitamin D. I am taking Niacin and Confianza. I feel better. So much better but at the same time I know the next attack could be around the corner.

I have kept this part of me hidden from most people, even those I see daily. I am sharing my secret now so that maybe I can help someone.Just know if you feel withdrawn and alone, if you feel depressed, if you feel anxiety attacks coming on... you are not alone. You are not crazy. Reach out and get help. Don't suffer through it alone.

Helene in Between Blogtober

1 comment :

Susan said...

It's so true about feeling so good and then being hit with the reality again. It sounds like you have a good support system though